If the world media is to be believed, size matters. A little goes a long way. Littler goes even longer. In this world of super thin models photoshopped even further to body sizes that wouldn't look out of place on the cover of a magazine titled "Starvation - It Works!", here's the inside scoop on what it's really like to be little. With facial feature that are stuck on teenager mode, when you're well into your 20's. And thin. Also, short. With little feet. Naturally.
Disclaimer : I am 5 feet nothing, with a body weight in kilograms that can be calculated as follows : 50 - 10 x 1 ÷ 2 .
1. Buying clothes is basically a process of picking up something you like, admiring it for a moment, then scoffing at the thought of it ever being made in your size, placing it back, and walking to the young adult section.
2. In the aforementioned young adult section, you pick up a shirt meant for 14 - 16 year olds, see that it's about 2 sizes bigger than you are, and rage "Which 16 year old did they measure this against?!"
3. Finding formal clothes that fit you, and that don't make you look like you borrowed your dad's clothes to dress as him for Halloween, is a harrowing experience.
4. No pants have ever made in your length. Ever. By the time you're done altering them, the leftover cloth could be used to make several handkerchiefs.
5. Speaking of length, other people your age's knee length skirts are your wraparound long matron skirts.
6. I, am XS. Your clothes, are NOT.
7. Real conversations I've had in the last 2 years :
Scene 1 : An airport
Characters : Sweet lady at the check in counter (SLATCIC), Me (Me)
SLATCIC (sweetly): Hello! Passport, please.
Me : Hello. (Hands over passport)
SLATCIC (sweetly) : Flying all alone?
Me : Yup
SLATCIC (sweetly) : How old are you?
Me (sweetly) : I'm 24
SLATCIC (traumatised) : Oh god ma'am, I am so sorry. I though you were 14...
Scene 2 : Backstage of a church play
Charactes : Random Man (RM), Me (Me)
RM : Hi, I just saw this girl in a nun's get up, is she for real?
Me : Haha, no, she's a 9th grader in XYZ School. It's just a costume.
RM (sweetly) : Oh really good job then. Are you also in the same school?
Me (sweetly) : Sure, but I'm 26 years old and a teacher there...
RM (traumatised) : Oh god ma'am, I am so sorry. I though you were 14...
8. Here's how we buy shoes : See pair we absolutely love, try them on and discover they look just as fabulous as hoped, ask for size 3.5, walk out crying.
While the store clerks try vainly to contain their disdain for an adult with size 3.5 feet.
9. "Why hasn't your parent signed your passport renewal form?"
Probably because I'm 22...
10. And finally, the real reason you encourage students to stay seated and raise their hands, so that you can walk over and clear their doubts, rather than have them walk up to you is, you're so little, the fact that kids 10 years younger than you have to bend over to talk to you gets very old, very fast.
Like so. I feel you, Phillip Lahm.
Midget,Chicken Little,Super Short Sherin, Little Hitler, Lilliput with eternal youth out.
Until next crime.
I will not bleed.
I have perfected the art
So I can cut
again and again
swipe by slow, painful swipe
until I go just deep enough
to not bleed
These scars are my secret
Easily explained
When you don't bleed
No one looks any deeper
Just like the cuts you make
Searing enough to burn
Not deep enough to bleed
This one's for the time
I wish you understood
That one, faded now,
When I realised you wouldn't
There's always a reason
A story that's real
Maybe one day
You'll feel what you deal
But as for now
I will not bleed
I cut in silence
Cherish each new scar
Tiny, agonising victories
Until the day
When I really will bleed
Perhaps then,
You'll win.
Every night, my phone doesn't ring.
But every morning, there's a missed call from him at 3.11 am.
The date he died.
If you could reach into my soul
You'd see these lines already scrawled there
Words are thoughts bled in ink, my friend
It simply comes down to how much you dare
For every dream you shot down mid flight
For every hope you let die with a shrug
For every pain you buried in bandages
For every cry whose grave you dug
This lives. Survives. Burnt into a corner of our soul
This storm, not even you could ride
And all your rage and pain and pleas
Lives in inkblood, long after you've died
We were brave once, you and I
In a distant past, where you dared
When I write these words out now
Can you still believe that you once cared?
That you dreamed, raged, swore
Played, laughed and even, lived?
Is there a part of me, somewhere,
somehow, where that person has survived?
Till the end, you promised me.
Together. My strength, you would give
Because you always told me,
everyone exists. You, must live.
You lied. You left.
And as for what you'd promised me,
a fight, a war, no quarter given,
That, would never come to be
I did not know such agony was real
That you could feel such pain
For a memory is a searing flame
That can survive the heaviest rain
You always knew, I realise now
You did mean to be by my side
You did love me, that's true too
Just that, this storm, you couldn't ride
You always knew that you would drown
You just hoped you'd done enough
And I would survive, tell this tale
After the storm, no matter how rough
You were wrong. You were me.
Without you, I cannot resist
Watch now, as I drown too
And no longer live, just exist.
If anyone actually reads this blog, you'll know that I love Hollywood. Although I gave up on movies in my native language about a decade ago, I would still watch the occasional Hindi flick. It had been awhile though, so I decided to stop being a snob and go and get some bearable entertainment last night, in the form of Dhoom 3. I'm so glad I did, or I would have missed out on the following aspects of cinema that I was so blissfully ignorant about. Brace yourself.
1. Abhishek Bachchan can fly.
2. Autorickshaws in India are manufactured by Hummer. Or quite possibly, CAT Machineries.
3. There is not a single Hindi literate person in the city of Chicago.
4. When the Chicago police force therefore requires Hindi literate cops to be flown in, India will send its most lecherous, irritating, moronic and non English speaking cop.
5. The scriptwriter of Dhoom 3 is a big fan of the movie 'The Prestige.'
6. Abhishek Bachchan is the only cop in the world capable of shooting a moving target.
7. BMW is terrifying. They manufacture motorbikes which turn into submergence capable motorboats which can shoot out of the water with the velocity of a rocket while morphing back into a motorbike.
8. You may have missed the most gripping dialogue of the year, so here it is for you :
Bank Owner/Bad Guy : "What do you know about this guy who's robbing me?"
Police Chief : "Sir, all we know is that he's a thief."
9. If you see an advertisement holding auditions for "an Indian goddess who sings and dances like liquid electricity," it just means "striptease."
10. Abhishek Bachchan is fireproof.
11. A visibly autistic person who lacks the motor coordination necessary to tie his own shoelaces will be able to ride a bike with skill that would put Evel Knievel to shame.
12. When a perfect stranger approaches you,an experienced and distinguished cop, with "information" about a possible suspect, you immediately give him instant access to all available blueprints, vaults, security systems, and even, the security codes of the bank that is supposed to be the thief's next target. Without so much as a background check.
13. You never see an actual heist. You just see the robber running out of the bank with bank notes falling like rain around him. Because I'm pretty sure the scriptwriter himself has no idea how the actual robberies take place.
14. Even if you have a gun, you must tie your cop-enemy to the tracks of a roller coaster, (how? Don't you have to put down the gun to do it?), then activate the roller coaster by remote control (how?! There is no universal roller coaster starting remote control), then walk away in the upbeat optimism that he will definitely die.
15. And finally, you only ever surround criminals in places where they have convenient suicide options. Seriously, Mr. Jai Dixit, have you ever actually caught anyone?
Dhoom, ladies and gentlemen.
